Mark Hunter (ozma914) wrote,
Mark Hunter

Next Week's Column: With Stuff Like This, Who Needs Medicine?


With Stuff Like This, Who Needs Medicine?

Have you ever received one of those e-mails about all the amazing things you can do with, say, Coke, or some other seemingly innocent substance? I mean, for those of you who receive e-mail at all? (I keep forgetting that some of us still don’t waste huge amounts of time – ahem – have the advantage of the internet.)

Well, I got something from the friend of a friend of a friend of Becky Ransey of Indiana, who either has a huge amount of free time or a government grant, which allowed her to study the benefits of peroxide. This would be, technically, hydrogen peroxide in a 3% solution, such as most of us keep at home.

Since it’s important to throw a conspiracy into these things, Becky informs us that her husband has been in the medical field for over 36 years, and he informed her that most doctors won’t tell us about peroxide, because it would cost them thousands of dollars from patients who don’t have to visit them.

Becky and her husband were later found anchored to the bottom of the Ohio River by cement overshoes, accompanied by a threatening note from the AMA.

Anyway, I thought it would be fun to show you not only those benefits, but also some fake benefits that I threw in, just to see if you can tell the difference. Read carefully, and you may be able to figure out the true from the false:

• One capful, held in the mouth for 10 minutes and then spit out, will prevent canker sores and whiten teeth.

• One capful, held in the mouth for 10 minutes and then spit at door-to-door salesmen, will prevent dinner interruptions.

• Let your toothbrushes soak in a cup of peroxide to keep them free of germs.

• If you soak lawyers in a barrel of peroxide overnight, most will disappear entirely, and the few who are left will shrink into CPA’s.

• Cleaning your counters and table tops with peroxide will kill germs and leave a fresh smell.

• Spray your pets and children with peroxide often enough and they’ll stay away, which will eventually also leave your house with a fresher smell.

• Rinse off wooden cutting boards with peroxide to kill salmonella and remove scum.

• Hiring a guy from Chicago named Sal Minelli, who charges a very low fee plus expenses, can get back that four hundred bucks your scumbag brother-in-law borrowed.

• A 50/50 mixture of peroxide and water sprayed on the feet will eventually remove fungus.

• A 100% concentration of peroxide will eventually remove feet.

• Most cuts and infection soaked in peroxide will heal without antibiotics.

• Of course, most cuts and infections not soaked in peroxide will heal without antibiotics.

• Two capfuls in a douche will prevent yeast infections.

• Telling visitors about that particular great use for peroxide will prevent visitors.

• A 50/50 mix of peroxide and water will disinfect a bathroom without harming a septic system, as other disinfectants will.

• Unless the septic system is full of foot fungus.

• If you have a cold and plugged sinuses, spray a 50/50 mixture into your nose, hold a few minutes, and then blow into a tissue.

• DON’T FORGET to blow your nose! Remember what happened to the feet. But don’t do it in public.

• A capful of peroxide held in the mouth several times a day will lessen the pain of a toothache.

• A capful of peroxide held in the mouth will not make that same terrifying, stress inspiring whining sound that a dentist drill makes.

• A 50/50 solution (why don’t they just sell it that way?) can be combed through light brown to dirty blonde hair to produce gradual, natural highlights.

• Let your friends try that first, then decide.

• A bottle of peroxide in your bath does away with boils, fungus, and other skin infections.

• Telling people you’re treating your boils, fungus and skin infections in the bathtub means you’ll never have to share a bathroom.

• Peroxide instead of bleach will help whiten clothes in the washing machine.

• ‘Cause that terrible bleach shortage just goes on and on …

• Soaking blood stained clothes in peroxide, then rinsing with cold water, will help get rid of the stain.

• If the “real quiet” guy down the street buys up all the peroxide in the store, along with sheets of plastic and a set of Ginzu knives, it might be a good idea to avoid his invitations to dinner.

• Use peroxide to clean mirrors, which will prevent smearing.

• Considering all those problems you’re trying to fix with peroxide, do you really want to see yourself in the mirror?

Clearly, peroxide is something of a miracle cure. In fact, add that to your pantry, along with a few cans of Coke, and you’re pretty well got every problem in the world licked.
Tags: new era, slightly off the mark, weekly column
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