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SLIGHTLY OFF THE MARK:

With Stuff Like This, Who Needs Medicine?


Have you ever received one of those e-mails about all the amazing things you can do with, say, Coke, or some other seemingly innocent substance? I mean, for those of you who receive e-mail at all? (I keep forgetting that some of us still don’t waste huge amounts of time – ahem – have the advantage of the internet.)

Well, I got something from the friend of a friend of a friend of Becky Ransey of Indiana, who either has a huge amount of free time or a government grant, which allowed her to study the benefits of peroxide. This would be, technically, hydrogen peroxide in a 3% solution, such as most of us keep at home.

Since it’s important to throw a conspiracy into these things, Becky informs us that her husband has been in the medical field for over 36 years, and he informed her that most doctors won’t tell us about peroxide, because it would cost them thousands of dollars from patients who don’t have to visit them.

Becky and her husband were later found anchored to the bottom of the Ohio River by cement overshoes, accompanied by a threatening note from the AMA.

Anyway, I thought it would be fun to show you not only those benefits, but also some fake benefits that I threw in, just to see if you can tell the difference. Read carefully, and you may be able to figure out the true from the false:

• One capful, held in the mouth for 10 minutes and then spit out, will prevent canker sores and whiten teeth.

• One capful, held in the mouth for 10 minutes and then spit at door-to-door salesmen, will prevent dinner interruptions.

• Let your toothbrushes soak in a cup of peroxide to keep them free of germs.

• If you soak lawyers in a barrel of peroxide overnight, most will disappear entirely, and the few who are left will shrink into CPA’s.

• Cleaning your counters and table tops with peroxide will kill germs and leave a fresh smell.

• Spray your pets and children with peroxide often enough and they’ll stay away, which will eventually also leave your house with a fresher smell.

• Rinse off wooden cutting boards with peroxide to kill salmonella and remove scum.

• Hiring a guy from Chicago named Sal Minelli, who charges a very low fee plus expenses, can get back that four hundred bucks your scumbag brother-in-law borrowed.

• A 50/50 mixture of peroxide and water sprayed on the feet will eventually remove fungus.

• A 100% concentration of peroxide will eventually remove feet.

• Most cuts and infection soaked in peroxide will heal without antibiotics.

• Of course, most cuts and infections not soaked in peroxide will heal without antibiotics.

• Two capfuls in a douche will prevent yeast infections.

• Telling visitors about that particular great use for peroxide will prevent visitors.

• A 50/50 mix of peroxide and water will disinfect a bathroom without harming a septic system, as other disinfectants will.

• Unless the septic system is full of foot fungus.

• If you have a cold and plugged sinuses, spray a 50/50 mixture into your nose, hold a few minutes, and then blow into a tissue.

• DON’T FORGET to blow your nose! Remember what happened to the feet. But don’t do it in public.

• A capful of peroxide held in the mouth several times a day will lessen the pain of a toothache.

• A capful of peroxide held in the mouth will not make that same terrifying, stress inspiring whining sound that a dentist drill makes.

• A 50/50 solution (why don’t they just sell it that way?) can be combed through light brown to dirty blonde hair to produce gradual, natural highlights.

• Let your friends try that first, then decide.

• A bottle of peroxide in your bath does away with boils, fungus, and other skin infections.

• Telling people you’re treating your boils, fungus and skin infections in the bathtub means you’ll never have to share a bathroom.

• Peroxide instead of bleach will help whiten clothes in the washing machine.

• ‘Cause that terrible bleach shortage just goes on and on …

• Soaking blood stained clothes in peroxide, then rinsing with cold water, will help get rid of the stain.

• If the “real quiet” guy down the street buys up all the peroxide in the store, along with sheets of plastic and a set of Ginzu knives, it might be a good idea to avoid his invitations to dinner.

• Use peroxide to clean mirrors, which will prevent smearing.

• Considering all those problems you’re trying to fix with peroxide, do you really want to see yourself in the mirror?

Clearly, peroxide is something of a miracle cure. In fact, add that to your pantry, along with a few cans of Coke, and you’re pretty well got every problem in the world licked.

Comments

( 16 comments — Leave a comment )
adriana_is
Aug. 5th, 2006 02:17 am (UTC)
OMG!! I got that peroxide e-mail at work today! I even printed it and brought it home because, whoa, peroxide can practically cure all that ails you! I was even thinking of running out to wal-mart and stocking up on some and spray bottles so I can clean the counters!
ozma914
Aug. 5th, 2006 03:22 am (UTC)
Talk about timing! Well, now there's someone around who can testify I didn't make the whole thing up. :-)

I save a lot of forwards like that, so I can write columns about them ahead of time for moments like this week, when I'm too busy to write a more topical one. Or for times like late autumn, when I'm too depressed by the weather to be funny.
adriana_is
Aug. 5th, 2006 03:27 am (UTC)
I solemnly swear to attest to the veracity of said forward, so help me God.

Dude, I'll be keeping tabs on you during the Fall if you'll talk me down from the building during the Winter. :)
ozma914
Aug. 5th, 2006 06:49 pm (UTC)
I'll probably be up there with you; the reason I get depressed in the fall is because of the knowledge that winter's coming. When the doctor diagnosed me with Seasonal Affected Disordere he put me on Zoloft, which I take from about late October through early March. I still hate winter, but as much as I hate taking medication, it makes things tolerable.
synaptikchaos
Aug. 6th, 2006 06:00 am (UTC)
heeheehee
ozma914
Aug. 7th, 2006 08:24 pm (UTC)
;-> Plus, one of my easiest columns to write, ever.
sockmonkeyhere
Aug. 6th, 2006 11:01 pm (UTC)
Becky and her husband were later found anchored to the bottom of the Ohio River by cement overshoes, accompanied by a threatening note from the AMA.

*snork* Bwahahahahaha!

Here's one more:

A capful of peroxide will win you a "Best Gen Fic" banner at Round 1 of the Happy Endings Awards.

...Oh, no, wait, that was Faith's Lesson.

http://happy.creative-musings.com/winners.htm

CONGRATULATIONS! :D
ozma914
Aug. 7th, 2006 05:38 pm (UTC)
Huh? What ...?

Why, yes ... YES, IT WILL!

:D
sockmonkeyhere
Aug. 7th, 2006 06:05 pm (UTC)
*applies peroxide to every fic either of us has ever written*

• A 100% concentration of peroxide will eventually remove feet.

LMAO! I missed this one earlier!

I guess I need to stop putting it on my cat.



ozma914
Aug. 7th, 2006 08:32 pm (UTC)
stop the peroxide!
*gasp* Um, yeah, I would. I gotta tell you, that cat looks really pissed. If I were you I'd keep the drinks somewhere out of its reach.
sockmonkeyhere
Aug. 8th, 2006 12:23 am (UTC)
Re: stop the peroxide!
*grin*

His name is Tom Stump, and his leg had to be amputated after it was kicked by Donkey-Donkey (the well-hung jackass pictured in my LJ.) He gets around just fine, although I keep him indoors because he couldn't climb a tree to safety if a dog chased him.

The other half of my three-legged cat collection is a kitten named Thalidomide. 'Lid was born with deformed front limbs. One of his front paws has no toe separation; it's formed like a mitten rather than like a glove. It has one single pad, and only one claw, which is on the side of his foot.

The other leg ends at the elbow, and a tapered little snippet of paw grows out of it. It's a tiny flipper point of paw that ends in a single tiny pad, and the point can sink back into the surrounding skin like a turtle's head, or extend out like a chicken wing.



sockmonkeyhere
Aug. 8th, 2006 12:28 am (UTC)
Re: stop the peroxide!
ETA: I'm not choking him in that last photo; I'm just attempting to hold him still while I try to take the picture with my other hand. If you've ever heard the expression "like herding cats" to describe something difficult...it's very, very true.
ozma914
Aug. 8th, 2006 07:13 pm (UTC)
Re: stop the peroxide!
Oh, I knew it wasn't a choke hold. No one who owns more than one cat (not that cats can be owned) would ever deliberately hurt one. Well, except for the really nutty people who have two or three dozen cats, and even then it's more an expression of insanity than rage.

Um ... how many cats do you own?
sockmonkeyhere
Aug. 12th, 2006 07:29 pm (UTC)
Re: stop the peroxide!
Seventy-four. Why do you ask? ;D

Actually there's only about four that are "mine" in that I chose them myself and keep them indoors, but there's also a platoon of some fifteen strays who've taken up residence on and around my front porch. I take pity on them and keep food and water out for them, and try to keep them all spayed and neutered, but they apparently hand out "Free Room & Board At Socky's!" flyers to any pregnant cats they meet.
ozma914
Aug. 12th, 2006 10:02 pm (UTC)
technically they're the neighbors' cats
I *don't* put food or water out for them, and there are still two that spend most of their time on my property. The black one can be found sleeping under the fire bush out back, and the tabby has claimed one edge of my front porch, by the bushes, as the perfect spot to nap and watch the world go by. Every once in awhile I pet them, then run in to wash my hands before I start sneezing.
ozma914
Aug. 8th, 2006 07:11 pm (UTC)
Jeez, you're like the Cherynoble of kittydom!
( 16 comments — Leave a comment )

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