Mark Hunter (ozma914) wrote,
Mark Hunter

Weekly Column: Okay, Al-Zarqawi's still dead; it's Miller Time


In other news, Al-Zarqawi is still dead. Apparently there was some doubt about that. According to the Nation of Islam website, we may be just faking it so we can feel all good about ourselves.

And it worked, because when the announcement came out I danced around the room, let out a few rebel yells, and felt pretty darn good. I felt even better when even the bad guys admitted Al-Zarqawi was at the Pearly Gates, getting the very bad news that not only is he not getting into heaven, but his 70 virgins all look and act exactly like Hilary Clinton.

A friend of mine e-mailed me to let me know that, and I quote, “Al-Zarqawi is now sincerely dead as in: Doornail. Mackerel. Pushing up the daisies.” We both expressed some surprise that he wasn’t pulverized, what with the fact that the house he was in was hit by two 500 pound bombs, which I assume weren’t loaded with leaflets from Welcome Wagon. Her opinion that his face was protected because it was in the fridge, looking for last night’s pita and hummus, might hold water.

I have begged that woman to start writing her own humor column. But she hasn’t, so I stole from her.

I’m not surprised he wasn’t more torn up: As evil as that man was, it’s a miracle we could kill him at all. As my friend said: “I have the feeling that maybe Mr. Z will pop up out of a spider hole a hundred yards from ground zero and start doing a derisive little dance, just like the gopher did in the finale of Caddyshack.” Along the same lines, I figure the reason we haven’t knocked off bin Laden is because he’s like Jason from those horror movies, surviving on pure desire to cause misery no matter how many times we hit at him.

Anyway, I’m writing this to say you’re all invited by a Goodbye Al-Zarqawi party. It’s BYOB (Bring Your Own Bomb). We’re going to invite all active and retired servicemen, and we’ll be holding it at Skinner Lake in case the President shows up and wants to get some fishing in. We’ll have fireworks, play really loud music, and I for one am hoping for some lady water skiers in red, white and blue bikini’s.

Oh, I’m sorry – was I supposed to react with sensitivity?

Well, okay – I feel bad for the people who were in the house with him at the time. Granted, they most likely knew they were sharing the house with a killer, and there’s no reason to believe they weren’t terrorists themselves. Still, we don’t know that for sure.
There was also a claim by a trustworthy (I’m sure) witness claiming our troops showed up and started beating on Al-Zarqawi, instead of trying to save him. If he could have been saved (Hey, the guy had two bombs land in his pockets) he should have been, so the Iraqi’s could give him a fair trial and hang him.

Some people are going to blame the military for killing those other people. That reminds me of when someone gets killed in a police pursuit, and everyone tries to blame the police for pursuing the bad guy. Wait a minute. Why isn’t it the bad guy’s fault? He’s the one who committed a felony – he could have just stopped. Anything that happens from the moment he fled is his fault, not the people trying to get an idiot off the street.

By the same token, if anyone in that house was innocent, the fault for their death lies squarely in the blood stained hands of Al-Zarqawi. How many people had he killed? How many would he have killed in the future, had he not been stopped?

History tells us killers don’t stop killing – someone stops them, or they keep
going. So, the military dropped a couple of bombs in the lap of a madman who gets kicks out of cutting the heads off people while those people are still alive. A man who has killed, and ordered the killing off, hundreds – if not thousands – of people. A man who’s not a man – a man who’s just as much a monster as our movie friend, Jason. And now he’s dead. (Al-Zarqawi, I mean – Jason will be back, probably in Jason vs. Harry Potter.)


I’m throwing a party. I don’t give a hoot if it’s politically correct. We’re having pizza and pop, and loud rock music, and maybe some country. (Lee Greenwood, anyone?) We’ll play that videotape where the so-called fundamentalist who hated the west is wearing expensive sneakers. We’ll tell off color jokes. (How many terrorists does it take to change a light bulb? None! They’ll just bomb the room until someone else changes it!) We’re going to have some games: my favorite is Pin the Bomb on Al-Zarqawi.

Our government has been downplaying the effect of Al-Zarqawi’s death. They don’t want to make the mistake of assuming the worst was over, a mistake that’s been made before. They’re keeping quite about the fact that 40% of the young men who answered bin Laden’s call for jihad are now dead, and that despite their best efforts at cowering in caves, five of the twelve most wanted militants have met violent ends.

All those people lining themselves up for election success by claiming we’re losing the war on terrorism not only are ignoring Al-Zarqawi’s death, but would really not like you to realize how many attacks on America and other countries have been foiled since 9/11. Why are the attacks in Iraq getting so increasingly violent? Because the terrorists are desperate. They’re losing, and they know it – the only way they could win at this point would be if we stopped defending ourselves.

So, Al-Zarqawi’s is dead, victim of his own violent, killing nature. I’m having a party.

You’re all invited. BYOB.
Tags: new era, slightly off the mark, weekly column
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