Mark Hunter (ozma914) wrote,
Mark Hunter

Weekly Column: Klu Klux Klan Klobbers Kommon Sense


I rarely use the term “moron” for any group of people. Because it’s prejudice, you see – you shouldn’t tag an entire segment of the population with a specific character trait. I’m reminded of a line from a movie I once watched (I’m paraphrasing):

“You’re the most annoying person on earth.”

“Well, that’s just silly – have you met everyone on earth?”

I don’t know everyone on earth. I don’t even know everyone on American Idol, so I can’t really saddle any group with a character trait.

In the case of the Klu Klux Klan, however, I’m willing to make an exception.

The Boys in/of White visited Albion during the Chain O’ Lakes Festival, with their cheerful message of hate and intolerance. You could say they skulked around, since no one seems to have actually seen them placing flyers on cars across town. However, since Albion is mostly white, you can see how they’d be able to blend in. Very few people of color join that organization, despite the KKK’s decent health insurance and really nifty dry cleaning policy.

Now, let’s be fair to the Klan. All they want is to provide a safe, free society for themselves and everyone else who’s exactly like them. Isn’t that what all hate-blinded bigots want? Really, how are they any worse than the Nazis, or the Nation of Islam? (Don’t give me that look – go check out their web page.) It’s all in your perspective: Hitler was nice to animals, and Saddam Hussein used to sing lullabies to small children before having their parents tortured.

Besides, this particular flyer targets only homosexuality and illegal immigration, so hey – I guess nobody else has anything to worry about, huh?

In some ways, the flyer’s not too different from many others you might find under your windshield wipers. There’s an invitation to subscribe to their newsletter, “Thoughts Under the Hood”, for the low, low rate of $16 a year:

“How to find a good home in an all-white neighborhood! A guide to throwing great parties without letting the riff-raff in! Part 3 of tips for removing blood stains from white clothing!”

Let’s hope no one mixes that newsletter up with “Thought IN the Hood”, which is an entirely different animal. Talk about embarrassing.

There’s also a request for donations, because “We’re not funded by the government” (finally, the government does something right). They need extra money for hair gel. No, seriously – two hours of burning crosses on a hot night can give a person a serious case of hat hair.

The flyer declares: “Notice there is family morals that need to be brought back to our family.” Family morals, but apparently not grammar. How sad – and they give such powerful speeches, too. Well, they say Abraham Lincoln was a lousy speller.

Um, maybe this would be a bad time to bring up Lincoln.

The flyer also exhorts us to teach our children Christian morals. Christian morals! Those people wouldn’t know Christian morals if a church fell on them. They’re Christianity’s version of Muslim fundamentalists – people so warped by their own hatred, so uncaring of the rights of others, so ignorant of the rest of the world, that they don’t even realize how much they’re going against their own religion. While the rest of us can take those Bible passages that seem to promote intolerance in context, they look at their own version of the Bible, where other passages need not apply.

And yet, some other parts in the flyer actually made me chuckle, in that ironic way I have just before throwing small objects across the room. The KKK, of all organizations, actually mentions the Pledge of Allegiance? You know, the one that says One Nation – Indivisible – With Liberty and Justice for All? What’s more divisive than the Klan?

Okay, the Presidential race, but otherwise what? Oh, sure, college basketball – could we get back to the point?

Then – and I’m actually quoting – the flyer says to tell your children “the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God”. Seriously, it’s a wonder these people don’t spontaneously burst into flames. If the truth will set you free, they’re in solitary confinement at Sing-Sing.

But here’s the part I like the best. This KKK flyer, which is dedicated partially to an anti-gay rant, starts with “The Cape Crusaiders rides once again in the state of Indiana.”

Come on. Everybody knows Batman and Robin were flaming homosexuals. Whoever wrote this thing was having some fun with their Klan buddies, maybe making little hints about what he thinks they should really be doing under the sheets.

Look, I always thought the civil union idea, in which gay couples would get all the rights of marriage with just a change of terminology, would be a fair compromise. I understand those who feel otherwise in both directions, but compromise is all I can bring to the table. My general opinion of homosexuality is that they be given every one of the rights everyone else has, no more and no less.

Otherwise, everyone knows I’m against illegal immigration, everyone knows I’m a
patriot, and everyone knows I think our children should be taught family morals. I’m just like those Klan guys in so many ways, including a poor grip on grammar, with one little exception: I think –


I KNOW -- that every single person should be judged on their own merits. Their accomplishments, their failings, their crimes, their contributions to or damage to society. If I changed the color of my skin (and I’m told that’s now possible), I’d be the same person. Except darker. It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to understand the common sense of that.

Or, in the case of our Men in White, a brain donor.

Speaking of skin color, I find it highly ironic that, at the top of the KKK flyer,
is a colored picture of the American flag – along with the words, “These colors will never bleed”.

Ironic. And sad, because these brain donors don’t see the irony.
Tags: albion, slightly off the mark, weekly column
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