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Funny Money Fax for Fast Cash ...

SLIGHTLY OFF THE MARK




We received a very nice fax at work the other day, from Mrs. Nazek Audi Hariri. I’m sure you’ve heard of her husband, Rafik Baha al-din Hariri. Or at least, it’s possible you once raised a din while driving your Audi in Baha.

Mrs. Audi Hariri offered to give us 20% of 36 million dollars.

I thought to myself, “Well, we’re all getting raises this year!

It seems her husband, a respected businessman and politician in Lebanon, was killed in an explosion on Valentines Day, 2005. Tragic, right? But afterward, Mrs. Hariri was contacted by a European security firm, which held a trunk that belonged to her husband – a trunk containing the aforementioned three dozen million bucks, all in cash, which no doubt cushioned the lady’s grief and provided a nice little late Valentines gift.

Apparently the money was from business associates, and was meant to be used for Mr. Hariri’s next election campaign. I’m guessing the campaign finance laws work a little differently in Lebanon.

This is all good, what with her giving us 20%, which amounts to, um, let me do some quick math … $76,000,000. I’m guessing I forgot to carry a decimal point, there. (Hey, I’m not used to dealing with any number over three digits.) Let’s try again … okay, now I’ve got it at 7 mil, give or take. And really, at that point do a few hundred more bucks really matter? I could buy a lot of ramen noodles with a seven and six ones.

Now, here’s where things get a bit fuzzy: The reason Mrs. Hairy sent this fax is because a person receiving it, identified by her as “you”, is one of her husband’s business partners. But the fax came to my work, and anybody working there who had enough money to contribute toward a multi-million dollar campaign fund would NOT be working there.

Mrs. Heshe explained it all in this clear and concise sentence:

“The part of services the diplomat is required to render is to assist you in claiming the consignments from the terminal of the security company and to set up a transit domiciliary account in your name in one of the prime bank he has contacts to carry out the exercise through the back door.”

Oh. Well, when you put it that way, it all makes sense: She’s sending her money through the back door.

Besides, I checked into the story. There really was a Lebanese Prime Minister Rafik Hariri, who really was killed in an explosion, and he really was estimated to be worth billions. Which is like millions, only more. He even has a son named Baha:

“What are you going to name your son?”

“Baha.”

“Well, what happens in California stays in California. Where are you vacationing next year?”

“Saadeddine.”

“Oh boy.”

Granted, I wasn’t able to find much mention of Mrs. Hibijibi. But I got everything else off the internet, so it must be true.

I immediately called her contact person, a diplomat in London named Mark Johnson. “I’d like to help with the Audi Hariri Funny Honey Money Fund,” I told him.

“You would?” I couldn’t figure out why he was so surprised. After all, 20% of 36 million is … um … well, so much money that I’ll never have to do math again.

“I sure do. I mean, the poor lady’s so oppressed that she can’t even go through her front door! If this keeps up, they’ll take her names away, one by one. First she won’t have an Audi, then she won’t be Hariri any more, and next thing you know she’ll never get to go to Baha again.”

“Ah, yes …” He seemed a little uncertain about whether I was for real, which I can understand – after all, people do crazy things for that much money. “Well, with this much cash flow involved, you must understand that certain guarantees will be needed, certain, ah, capital assistance to provide for the transference of funds.”

“Well,” I said, “I live in the capital of Noble County. Does that help?”

“What I’m saying is, a certain amount of financial incentive on your part will be needed to assist in the transference of cash into your account.”

“Are you saying I need to send you money in order to get money? So in return for services, you need a financial contribution?”

“Well … yes.”

“So you’re like the federal government?”

“Um –“

I thought about that for a moment. “Look, here’s the thing. Mrs. Hihickey obviously needs our help, so how about if you bring the money over yourself? It just so happens that we have a place right in the building where I work where you can stay while we get this all sorted out. You’ll get a nice bed, three square meals a day, entertainment, and even people who’ll stay with you and help you acclimate into our society.”

“Really? Where would that be?”
“The Noble County Jail. Now, if you’ll just give me your –“

But that’s when Mr. Mark Johnson hung up, and he wouldn’t answer my return calls. Honestly, I’m beginning to suspect he wasn’t on the level.

Comments

( 15 comments — Leave a comment )
curiouswombat
Jun. 4th, 2006 04:24 pm (UTC)
Honestly, I’m beginning to suspect he wasn’t on the level.

Well I think that's very cynical of you Mark!
ozma914
Jun. 4th, 2006 08:43 pm (UTC)
I know, I know ... I try to be open minded ...
elizalavelle
Jun. 4th, 2006 04:35 pm (UTC)
lol all this and yet sadly I've seen people get suckered by similar things (never so much money) and it just astounds me every single time.
ozma914
Jun. 4th, 2006 08:45 pm (UTC)
there's a sucker born every minute
Me, too ... I don't understand how anyone can be so naive, but con men get away with smaller versions of things like that every day. Everybody shakes their head and says "I'd never fall for that", but someone always does.
redwolf
Jun. 5th, 2006 10:24 am (UTC)
Long before the internets, a company I used to work fo would get these letters on a regular basis. I used to collect them.

They were, at least, targeted to the business, but I was always impressed that even the stamps were fakes.

Whatever you do, never let these people get your contact details. A friend called back for a joke and couldn't get rid of them. Or explain the somewhat substanial time difference between Nigeria and Australia.

If you'd like to play with them a little, try 419 Eater for ideas.
ozma914
Jun. 5th, 2006 10:45 am (UTC)
Heh -- I don't know if I want to play with them too much. I'm not very careful with my personal information; I could end up with a family of Nigerians camped in my back yard.

It's impressive how quickly the scammers seem to adjust to any new kind of technology that comes along ...
spikereader
Jun. 5th, 2006 01:15 pm (UTC)
Mrs. Nazek Audi Hariri.

Bet she's not even an Audi, just a VW with jumped up ideas.
ozma914
Jun. 6th, 2006 07:00 am (UTC)
a hariri audi
Have pity on the lady, her husband blew up. I'm sure she fell to pieces. Well, at least we know he did. And just think, if this story is true ... she knows nothing about handling cash. ;-)
spikereader
Jun. 7th, 2006 08:35 am (UTC)
Re: a hariri audi
LOL
cbtreks
Jun. 5th, 2006 08:02 pm (UTC)
Very funny! (Sad to know people fall for this stuff every day, though.)

I could buy a lot of ramen noodles with a seven and six ones.

Yeah, even if that's just seven one-dollar bills and six one-cent coins.
ozma914
Jun. 6th, 2006 06:57 am (UTC)
noodling
I wish I'd known about ramen noodles in my "just out of the house, starving and jobless" days. It would have made a nice break from the mac and cheese and chicken noodle soup.
mygothangel
Jan. 14th, 2007 11:00 am (UTC)
do you have any idea how hard it is to make me literally laugh out loud?
probably not.
if you knew, you'd be so intimidated, you couldn't manage it so easily.

and could please someone explain the whole ramen noodles deal to me? a link will suffice
ozma914
Jan. 14th, 2007 11:58 pm (UTC)
I'm flattered!

Ramen noodles can be a fairly fancy dish in Asia, where they originated, but here in America they're basically a cheap, easy and fast food. (You're in Germany, aren't you?) They're the kind of food college students on a budget might eat to save money, when all they have to cook on is a hot plate. So the joke about buying a lot of ramen noodles after getting rich is that you don't *have* to buy ramen any more. But I would, because I love ramen noodles!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Instant_noodles
mygothangel
Jan. 15th, 2007 12:06 am (UTC)
yes, I live in Germany

but lookie here:
Cheap supermarket brands and regular midmarket products don't differ that much in taste and the price can range from PLN 0,60 to PLN1,50 depending on the manufacturer's expectations of how posh a product they sell. Noodles in styrofoam bowls are considerably more expensive and cost from PLN 3,0 to PLN 5,5.

heee! they know on Wikipedia such things! Next time I'm home I'll check if they're right :)

I like the instant noodles, too, even if the "ramen" once never cought my eye
ozma914
Jan. 15th, 2007 02:40 am (UTC)
soup is good food
Hm. I've tried both the Campbells brand of chicken noodle soup and the off-brands, and I think Campbells is much better. But as far as ramen, I've never noticed a difference ... maybe I should do some comparison shopping, too.
( 15 comments — Leave a comment )

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