Mark Hunter (ozma914) wrote,
Mark Hunter

Medical Probes for Fun and Profit

            I’m having a colonoscopy tomorrow, and it gave me an idea for how to increase sales of my novel and short story collection.

            Now, hear me out.

            As all fourteen of my regular readers know, I have a newspaper column, and often use my personal experiences as material to fill those 52 pieces a year. But the question is, does anyone want to hear yet another description of one of the most disturbing medical procedures a male ever goes through?

            I think not.

            After all, Dave Barry has already written the ultimate humor column on the subject, while comedian Jeff Foxworthy did a screamingly funny routine along the same lines. (Or maybe he just talked about how it made him scream.) All I could do is cover the same ground and leave my readers possibly smiling, but almost certainly uncomfortable.

            That’s when it came to me: Blackmail.

            That’s right, people. If I don’t sell … I don’t know … ten copies of Storm Chaser and/or Storm Chaser Shorts between now and the end of the month, I will write a column about my colonoscopy. I’ll use a misleading title, so you’ll be three paragraphs in before you realize what you’re reading, and by then it’ll be too late. Yep.

            But if sales pick up – if you call your sisters and cousins and aunts, and beg them, for the love of all that’s holy, to buy something from me before it’s too late – then you’ll be safe. No routines about the “prep”. No fire hose jokes. No comparisons to the space shuttle launching. Not even one mention of “probing Uranus”.

            I’m drinking the prep stuff as we talk, people -- there’s no time to waste. Go to, or, or look me up at , or (where unfortunately the short story collection isn’t up yet).

            Do it for your own comfort. To stop the nightmares. Do it because my health savings account just ran dry. Do it for humanity.

(On a more serious note, this is a more or less routine procedure for me – I’d appreciate your thoughts and prayers for Emily, who’s having a CAT scan early next week to try and diagnose what appears to be non-endometriosis related abdominal pain. It’s been a rough summer.)

Tags: new era, slightly off the mark

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