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Medical Probes for Fun and Profit

            I’m having a colonoscopy tomorrow, and it gave me an idea for how to increase sales of my novel and short story collection.

            Now, hear me out.

            As all fourteen of my regular readers know, I have a newspaper column, and often use my personal experiences as material to fill those 52 pieces a year. But the question is, does anyone want to hear yet another description of one of the most disturbing medical procedures a male ever goes through?

            I think not.

            After all, Dave Barry has already written the ultimate humor column on the subject, while comedian Jeff Foxworthy did a screamingly funny routine along the same lines. (Or maybe he just talked about how it made him scream.) All I could do is cover the same ground and leave my readers possibly smiling, but almost certainly uncomfortable.

            That’s when it came to me: Blackmail.

            That’s right, people. If I don’t sell … I don’t know … ten copies of Storm Chaser and/or Storm Chaser Shorts between now and the end of the month, I will write a column about my colonoscopy. I’ll use a misleading title, so you’ll be three paragraphs in before you realize what you’re reading, and by then it’ll be too late. Yep.

            But if sales pick up – if you call your sisters and cousins and aunts, and beg them, for the love of all that’s holy, to buy something from me before it’s too late – then you’ll be safe. No routines about the “prep”. No fire hose jokes. No comparisons to the space shuttle launching. Not even one mention of “probing Uranus”.

            I’m drinking the prep stuff as we talk, people -- there’s no time to waste. Go to www.whiskeycreekpress.com, or www.markrhunter.com, or look me up at http://www.amazon.com/Mark-R-Hunter/e/B0058CL6OO/ref=ntt_athr_dp_pel_1 , or http://www.barnesandnoble.com/c/mark-r-hunter (where unfortunately the short story collection isn’t up yet).

            Do it for your own comfort. To stop the nightmares. Do it because my health savings account just ran dry. Do it for humanity.

(On a more serious note, this is a more or less routine procedure for me – I’d appreciate your thoughts and prayers for Emily, who’s having a CAT scan early next week to try and diagnose what appears to be non-endometriosis related abdominal pain. It’s been a rough summer.)

Comments

( 23 comments — Leave a comment )
droxy
Aug. 10th, 2012 02:27 am (UTC)
Ouch!
ozma914
Aug. 10th, 2012 04:16 am (UTC)
The procedure doesn't hurt as much as my puns ...
cornerofmadness
Aug. 10th, 2012 04:04 am (UTC)
snort

i hope it all goes well
ozma914
Aug. 10th, 2012 04:19 am (UTC)
Based on what I've gone through so far, I'm guessing the procedure won't be nearly as bad as the lead-up ... after all, I'll be unconscious for the procedure.

By the way, I apologize for not getting back to you on the blog tour thing -- I got clobbered with all this medical stuff, but I'm trying to get back on my writing feet, now.
cornerofmadness
Aug. 10th, 2012 04:23 am (UTC)
having been there and done that, i can say with confidence the night before with the 'cleansing' is a million times worse than the procedure.

don't worry, i forgot all about it. I've been that swamped. whenever you get a chance, it's all good
ozma914
Aug. 11th, 2012 05:18 am (UTC)
Isn't swamped the word of the day for all of us?

Yeah, the cleansing wasn't much fun -- don't remember the procedure at all.
cornerofmadness
Aug. 11th, 2012 02:57 pm (UTC)
yes it is

and i'm su re it wasn't
ozma914
Aug. 16th, 2012 06:20 am (UTC)
How do you feel about a blog post investigating (and poking a little fun at) the use of Mary-Sues and the concept of self-inserts? I was going to send you something I already had done, but as I recall you're a fan of Star Trek, where the term Mary-Sue originated ...
cornerofmadness
Aug. 16th, 2012 01:49 pm (UTC)
that would work for me
ozma914
Aug. 17th, 2012 03:22 am (UTC)
I'll get on it this weekend, then.
cornerofmadness
Aug. 17th, 2012 04:09 am (UTC)
sounds good
kazzy_cee
Aug. 10th, 2012 06:30 am (UTC)
Good luck to you both!
ozma914
Aug. 11th, 2012 05:19 am (UTC)
Thanks! My part's done -- her part's next.
deborahw37
Aug. 10th, 2012 07:20 am (UTC)
Oh you guys are really going through the mill right now!
ozma914
Aug. 11th, 2012 05:19 am (UTC)
Boy, you ain't kidding -- year from Hell over here.
ozma914
Aug. 11th, 2012 05:20 am (UTC)
Just what I needed!
sinetimore
Aug. 10th, 2012 11:16 am (UTC)
They not only showed Katie Couric's colonoscopy on the Today Show, but someone pointed out to me that the show is broadcast on the Jumbotron in Times Square.

Meaning millions of New Yorkers got to look right up her ass.

So, as far as freaking people out about your colonoscopy, you're good, kid. Real good. But you're always going to be second best, ya hear? ;-)
ozma914
Aug. 11th, 2012 05:21 am (UTC)
I'd forgotten about that. Well, I sure hope Katie's ratings went up at the same time the camera did!
kevenn
Aug. 10th, 2012 02:16 pm (UTC)
HAHAHAHAHA! This is awesome! :)
ozma914
Aug. 11th, 2012 05:22 am (UTC)
awesome?
Well, it depends on how many sisters, cousins, and aunts I hear from .... :-)
(Deleted comment)
ozma914
Aug. 11th, 2012 05:28 am (UTC)
Got till the end of the month, man! I still haven't made any sales on amazon.co.uk, so start calling those sisters, cousins, and aunts! (And you get a cookie if you can tell me where that expression comes from.)
( 23 comments — Leave a comment )

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