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column: Houston, Wii Have a Problem


SLIGHTLY OFF THE MARK

As a professional exercise avoidance expert (seriously, I’ve got a membership card) who’s also a volunteer firefighter and so needs to be in shape, I constantly search for some form of exercise that I actually enjoy. I constantly fail.
 
There are people who enjoy weightlifting every day, and running long distances for hours at a time. They brag about “feeling the burn” and “no pain no gain”. In olden times this was called masochism, and reserved for people who paid leather clad women to whip them, then apply salt. I suppose either way you’d hit your target heart rate.
 
Others talk about how great you feel after a workout. I’ve yet to determine whether I’m somehow different at a cellular level, or whether they’re simply lying to me and themselves. As an experiment, several years ago I hit the weight room for a regular, honest to goodness exercise regimen. For eight months I ate better, gained muscle mass and lost weight, felt the burn – who wants to be burned? – and was probably the healthiest I’d been since my factory job back in the 80’s.
 
Just as with my factory job in the 80’s, I was miserable every second. I can’t help thinking people just claim to feel better, as part of their attempt to convince themselves all that work is really worth living to age 85, instead of 82. The modern health craze is the only thing keeping the adult diaper industry going.
 
Now, there are some things I like to do that could help a person stay fit. Walking, for instance – not running. I actually like to walk, although I tend to go too fast for some people. But not fast enough for it to be running, because then I might spill my Mountain Dew. Let’s not get crazy.
 
Most of the things I like to do are limited by cost or weather. I like to swim, and go canoeing, and … well, that’s about it. If you don’t have membership money, none of that works in an Indiana winter. So the problem is staying in something that approaches good shape during the cold season.
 
As I was Christmas shopping last winter, I stumbled upon a chance to kill two birds with one stone, in a very fit stone-throwing kind of a way: I bought my fiancée a Wii.
 
A Wii is a video game console, which at first glance would seem counter-productive. When I used to play my roommate’s Atari (yes, I’m that old), I’d end up a fetal position on the floor, trying over and over to protect my cities from incoming bombs with Missile Command. But oh, how things have changed. You see, the Wii came with a game called Wii Sport.
 
Oddly enough, there are sports I hate watching or playing in real life, but enjoy on Wii. Although the videogames seem realistic, with Wii I can actually hit a tennis ball – something I’ve never been able to do in real life. Never. Also, I can hit a golf ball in the direction I want it to go, and
box without ending up flat on the floor, unless I trip over the coffee table. Which … happens.
 
It’s a miracle.
 
The real miracle is that you don’t just push a button and move a joystick. The Wii controller is set up so that you actually perform the actions on the screen, so for instance when I swing a baseball bat I have to swing the controller. That’s what gives Wii a chance to be something that actually helps the fight for fitness. It’s as if World of Warcraft players had to pick up a real sword and swing it around to fight off those giant monster thingies.
 
It does work. However, as I’ve discovered in the last few months, certain precautions need to be taken.
 
First of all, do some warm ups and stretches before you start. The great thing about a game like this is that you have fun, and don’t even notice you’re up exercising, but it still has the same effect on your body. I went a little overboard on 18 rounds of golf once and ended up in screaming back agony for three days, which pretty much defeats the purpose.
 
Second, there’s a wrist strap that secures the controller to your wrist. Use it. There have been confirmed reports of broken TV screens and even injuries. You do not want to tell the workers in the ER that you broke your nose playing Wii tennis. Imagine the danger of trying to put stitches in while laughing uncontrollably.
 
Go by my house, and look at that broken picture window. Yep.
 
(Actually, the picture window was broken by a cat – but that’s even more embarrassing than saying it was done with a videogame controller.)
 
There’s also a protective sleeve that goes around the remote, kind of a Wii condom. A Wiidom. Use it to, um, prevent accidents. You don’t have to discuss it.
 
Clear the room of anything that might be tripped over. Because you will. Well, I did.
 
Finally, if you’re playing as a pair make sure you’re far enough away from each other to avoid a serious impact, ‘cause she’ll never let you live it down and demand not only a special ibuprofen delivery, but backrubs, sympathy, constant attention, and assistance in cleaning out her snake tank. Not that I’m thinking of anyone in particular, and I’d like to mention once again how very sorry I am.
 
I just never thought of doubles tennis as a contact sport. Especially in my living room.

Comments

( 11 comments — Leave a comment )
woman_of_
Jul. 22nd, 2011 05:04 am (UTC)
oh Mark, you do suffer. I'm sure it's all worth it!
ozma914
Jul. 22nd, 2011 06:48 am (UTC)
In the end, you have to choices in life: To decide it's all worth it, or that it's not. What a miserable existance, to go through life thinking it's not.

That was way too philisophical for this time of night, wasn't it?
blood_of_winter
Jul. 22nd, 2011 02:52 pm (UTC)
I lol'd greatly...awesome post!
ozma914
Jul. 23rd, 2011 04:13 am (UTC)
Good! I love for the lol's. And I'm not kidding, either!
lifefailsme
Jul. 22nd, 2011 03:47 pm (UTC)
You will live a long healthy life man.

I will live a short unhealthy one.

great article, as ever :D
ozma914
Jul. 23rd, 2011 04:14 am (UTC)
Oh, I don't know ... maybe it's better to live a short life doing exactly what you want than to have to drag on day after day, doing the stuff you don't want to so you can live longer -- and spend more time doing the stuff you don't want to.
lifefailsme
Jul. 23rd, 2011 08:26 am (UTC)
I dunno man, I think if you have lived a healthyeque life you are fitter and have a more energetic life.

I almost have six kids man. I've nothing to live into old age for. ;D
ozma914
Jul. 23rd, 2011 09:06 pm (UTC)
The trick is to strike a balance: Healthy enough to live longer, fun enough to want to live longer. Which doesn't include children!
lifefailsme
Jul. 24th, 2011 09:53 am (UTC)
LOL! See that last line sums it up really X-D
cbtreks
Jul. 23rd, 2011 12:31 am (UTC)
First of all, do we want to know how, exactly, you know about the leather clad women with whips? (Actually, one leather clad woman with a whip is one of my favorite characters of all time. I will always love Xena!)

I'm so with you on the exercise does not feel good train. People who know me now probably don't believe that I've ever engaged in regular exercise but I have in the past - and it never made me feel better. Not ever. People talk about endorphins and I don't know what they're talking about. (Plus I suspect they're lying anyway - have you ever seen a happy runner, one who doesn't look like they're in agony?) I did always love riding a bike - but that was more about just going than about exercise. I get exactly the same pleasure from driving a car.

You're selling me on the Wii, though!
ozma914
Jul. 23rd, 2011 04:16 am (UTC)
What, you've never heard of Indiana Jones' twin sister? (Better shut up about that -- I might have just instigated the next spin-off movie.)

Honestly, I don't recall ever seeing someone doing a serious workout who didn't look miserable. And that really is the advantage of a Wii -- you're not working out, you're having fun.
( 11 comments — Leave a comment )

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