Mark Hunter (ozma914) wrote,
Mark Hunter

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next week's column: Things You Don't Want to Hear During Your Prostate Exam

Before the writing festivities begin, I wanted to let everyone know that the results of the biopsy brought mixed signals. The nurse who called me originally stressed the positive – no cancer – and suggested I should have another blood test in three months or so. The next day the urologist called to say he wanted another test done in about a month, and that there was a chance I might have to have another biopsy due to an indication of abnormal cells.

My opinion is that the two of them should have gotten their act together
before anyone called me.


I drove all the way down to Fort Wayne to have my prostate biopsy, and the whole way there I was thankful for one thing: I wasn’t likely to run into anyone I knew. Not that I’m ashamed of it – on the contrary, at this point I’m a poster child for early detection and treatment of prostate problems.

But, well … let’s just say they don’t use a scalpel to take their samples. Oh, no. They use a much more invasive method. They use this tube thing, into which is inserted a needle with a mousetrap thingy on the end, and then, twelve times, they –

Okay, you probably don’t want to hear the details.

Was it uncomfortable? Duh. Was it painful? Not much, and overall it wasn’t nearly as bad as my imagination expected. Still, although I didn’t have any problem letting people know I was doing it, I was thankful that it wasn’t going to be done around local residents. I mean, I’ve gotta look these people in the eye.

When the lady who would do the procedure came to the waiting room to get me, I thought she looked familiar … as if I knew a family member.

First of all, I thought the doc himself would be doing the biopsy, which in retrospect was a silly thing to think; everyone specializes these days. As I’ve mentioned before, I was of mixed feelings about whether it was best to expose my, um, better side to a male or female, but finding the expectations changed at the last second threw me.

So did her comment when she found out where I worked: “Oh, you must know my brother-in-law.”


It turned out that not only do I know her brother-in-law, but that her sister is my hair stylist. (Before you say anything, it’s not her sister’s fault – there’s only so much you can do with this head.)

At that point I freely waived my HIPAA law rights and told her to discuss it freely with sis. My reasoning was that if the family was taking care of both ends, they’d consider me an investment to look after.

As I said, I won’t go into any more detail about the procedure, but part of it was an ultrasound of my prostate. This led me to ask the urologist, “Is it a boy or a girl?”

The doc, who no doubt hears that line a dozen times a week, shot back, “They’re pretty much all boys.”

I’d arrived with a top ten list of things you never want to hear your urologist say during a prostate biopsy, but I didn’t end up laying any of them on the good people down there. (Take “down there” any way you want.) I figured, correctly, that there isn’t any comedic line about prostate exams that they haven’t heard before. Still, not wanting to waste a good list, I posted it online in the hopes that my internet friends would like it.

Silly me, thinking they’d leave it there. On the contrary, they came back with their own ideas of what a guy wouldn’t want to hear, and so – because it makes me happy to know other people are finding humor in my misadventures – I present you with both my, and their:

Things you don’t want to hear during your prostate biopsy:

“I’ve found Jimmy Hoffa!” (You youngsters, look him up.)

“Have you ever been in a Turkish Prison?”

“I wonder how that got here?”

“All clear? Fire in the hole!”

“Hey, do you like slash?” (Slash is a type of fan fiction in which fictional characters are brought together romantically. They’re often of the same sex: for instance, Kirk/Spock.)

“Look at the size of that thing! Grab some Raid.”

“What the heck, as long as we’re in here let’s go for the appendix.”

“Hey – where did my ring go? I had it on just a minute ago …”

“Would you like a vasectomy as well? We’re having a two for one sale.”

“Oh, no – run! Save yourselves!”

“Uh-oh. We’ll never get our deposit back if we can’t fish that back out …”

“Duck, duck, goose!”

“Marco …”

“… Polo!”

“This guy’s just a gas.”

“Oops. Um … how about them Cubs?”

“Oh my gosh, it really does look like a walnut. I wonder if they’ll all be like that?”

“Move the antenna – the reception’s lousy down here, and I’ve got a hundred bucks on
the game.”

“Shoot, my flashlight keeps cutting out – nurse, hand me that box of matches.”

“Let’s have some fun: I’ll bet I can make him toot ‘Old Man River’.”

“I took a wrong turn. Let me take a glance at that chart on the wall.”

“This is so much easier than my old job as a plumber.”

“So, Mark, do you like … gladiator movies?”

“I’m not coming out until I find Tom Sawyer and Becky Thatcher!”

And the number one thing you don’t want to hear during your prostate biopsy:

“Quick, call a camera crew from the Discovery Channel – I’m going to be rich.”
Tags: column, medical stuff, new era, slightly off the mark

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