Mark Hunter (ozma914) wrote,
Mark Hunter

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next week's column: News From a Strange Planet


And now, the CNBCBSN News, with George Snuffleupagus:

There was chaos in Washington today when fire engulfed the US Mint printing plant, where America’s cash is printed. It took firefighters three hours to contain the blaze, which caused an estimated 5.3 trillion dollars in damage.

Wall Street reacted quickly, plunging almost four hundred points despite Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke’s admission that nobody really knew what that number meant. “It’s like trying to figure out what Michael Moore’s actual area of expertise is. Nobody knows.”

Oil prices rose by ten dollars a barrel, while Chinese officials threatened to repossess the State of Liberty. Stocks briefly stabilized when Fed officials promised to print more money, but then Bernanke, while observing the ruins of the Mint, was heard to say, “Oh. Oops.”

So far fourteen groups have claimed responsibility for starting the fire, including the cast of Saturday Night Live.

In international news, a new defense bill contains a provision that would pay Taliban fighters who change sides and stop fighting, in exchange for jobs and amnesty. “It’s the administrations policy that throwing money at a problem will fix anything,” said a Pentagon insider, who refused to be identified because all of his bosses own guns.

A similar idea, combined with the military troop surge, was credited with turning things around in Iraq during the Bush administration. The insider added, “If it works this time, we’re going to take the idea to our inner cities.”

The health care debate heated up again when moderates in the House of Representatives suggested to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi that each individual idea for health care reform be voted on separately. The idea was that easily solvable problems would be taken care of quickly, instead of dragging on during arguments over more controversial issues, like free breast implants for congressional spouses.

When told that citizens would then know how their representatives voted on every detail, Pelosi began clucking like a chicken and had to be led away in a straightjacket. Later a spokesman explained that Congress can’t vote on individual details of the health care issue separately, because that would be way more complicated than the 1,018 page bill currently being considered.

In other Congressional news, a motion that all members should vote on every bill brought forward in the House and Senate, rather than a few committee members controlling the legislative process, never made it out of committee.

On a lighter note, the H1N1 flu pandemic caused the cancellation of the annual Kiss-off, a celebration of kissing held every year at French Lick, Indiana. The event was already mired in controversy after the 2007 attempt to set a world record in kissing, which was declared invalid by the Guinness Book of World Records. It turned out the winners, Mary Lou Mulligan and Buddy Arbuckle of Mount Pleasant, New York, had locked their braces together, and later had to be freed by French Lick firefighters using the Jaws of Life.

“I hope we’ll all get together and try this again next year,” said Kiss-off guest of honor, Former President Bill Clinton. “And next time I’ll be competing, so Mary Lou’d better brace herself.”

Tragedy in Colorado: While on their way to a global warming summit yesterday, three climate change experts became stranded in a snow drift and froze to death.

Other news notes:

Fox news recently obtained the first pictures since Obama’s election of the President
actually smoking a cigarette. An investigation by MSNBC quickly determined that the smoking was George W. Bush’s fault.

The National Parks Service has declared werewolves an endangered species, and has put a request in for Congress to outlaw werewolf slaying. Zombie advocates are howling mad.

On a related note, Rush Limbaugh is being held on suspicion of eating Keith Olbermann.

In entertainment news, insiders say Fox TV executives are battling producer Joss Whedon after Whedon screened a new series pilot for them that consisted entirely of one hour of dead air. Rumor has it Whedon has low expectations for his newest deal, but Fox spokesmen expressed every confidence in him, and quickly scheduled the show for Saturdays at 4 a.m.

Reacting to the news that Roman Polanski might be extradited back to America, Hollywood studios have expressed interest in having Polanski direct a new Tom Cruise movie to be filmed in a minimum security prison near Yorba Linda, California. After Cruise rejected the casting of his daughter Suri as “too icky”, producers are now pushing Dakota Fanning’s sister, Elle, for the newest remake of Lolita.

In religious news, an atheist group has petitioned the Supreme Court to declare all public churches illegal. The organization argues that it’s the only way to guarantee freedom of religion.

This same group, in 1998, attempted to have pants banned in Seattle. Their argument was that Hitler wore trousers, so they must be evil. They backed it up by pointing out that Mother Teresa and Gandhi were very good people who never wore pants, while Bill Clinton was an okay guy and often wore them half off.

Finally, a splinter religious group in Washington State has formally requested that President Obama be declared a saint, based on several alleged miracles that include his early winning of the Nobel Peace Prize. The group, which calls itself the “Cult of the Teleprompter”, is undeterred by the Catholic Church’s reminder that sainthood isn’t usually declared until after the designee has passed away. “He’s an early achiever,” said representative Apple Lilac Moonblossom.

However, the plan was dealt a serious blow last week when George W. Bush admitted it was he who put Obama’s name into Nobel Prize consideration.

“I had no idea anyone would take it seriously,” Bush stammered. “I underestimated Barack’s mystical appeal to people – guess I made a mythtake.”
Tags: column, new era, slightly off the mark
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