Mark Hunter (ozma914) wrote,
Mark Hunter

next week's column: Obama Bugs PETA


I make fun of PETA for the same reason I make fun of Congress: They brought it on themselves.

In both cases, they brought it on themselves by taking a good thing and going overboard with it. Congress was such a good concept: A republic in which the people elect their representatives! We can throw them out if they mess up! What could be wrong with that?

Then we loaded the place up with lawyers.

And what could be wrong with preventing cruelty to animals? So arose the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, which just wants us to be nice to our little four legged furry scaled feathered slithering cold/warm blooded friends. Look, I like my steak as much as the next guy, as long as the next guy isn’t Mel Gibson, but I don’t want to cow to be waterboarded. I mean, unless it’s a terrorist cow, of course, but what are the chances?

But then they loaded up PETA with … well … nutcases.

Which brings us to President Barack Obama.

The President killed a fly.

As often happens in cases of Presidential scandals, Obama had the misfortune of having his evil deed recorded. He was being interviewed on an Italian news program (and what must the Italians think of us now?), and they recorded the entire ghastly affair. At first he played nice, trying to shoo the poor little living thing away, but then it invaded his personal space once too often.

In a move right out of a martial arts movie, Obama put the smack down – um – down, committing insecticide right there on camera. He then proceeded to admire himself (“That was pretty impressive, wasn’t it?”), as if being the leader of the free world wasn’t accomplishment enough. He even instructed a cameraman to get a close-up of the unfortunate insect, now lying in state on the floor. You wouldn’t say no if you were that cameraman – the poor guy probably was fearful for the pet gecko he kept at home.

Others in the room, possibly worried about Secret Service inquiries into their cats, parrots and boa constrictors, cheered Obama after his cold blooded bug bombing, possibly the most famous fly die since Vincent Price bought it in 1958.

PETA was not amused.

The group called the bug smooshing an “execution”, and asked Obama to show more compassion to “the least sympathetic animals”.

Which isn’t fair at all – haven’t they heard of mosquitoes?

A blog on the group’s website said of Obama: “He isn’t the Buddha, he’s a human being, and human beings have a long way to go before they think before they act.”

Um … okay. I guess I agree. I mean, humans can be pretty messed up, and Obama looks nothing like Buddha -- and probably won’t unless he quits smoking and gives up exercise at the same time.

To put their money where their mouths are, the group sent Obama a device that traps a fly alive, so it can be taken outside to be released.

You just can’t make up stuff like that.

Okay, here’s my take on this. Obama’s been President for half a year now, and this is the first time he’s done anything that I fully approve of. Except for the new dog, I like dogs. Could have been bigger, though – those little ankle biters can be a pain. And I hear they eat flies.

Okay, I’ll grant you that if G.W. Bush had slapped a fly on TV, there’d be riots in the streets and picketing in front of the White House, rather than admiring pundits drooling down Obama’s arm. Just the same, whatever moron at PETA decided every little fly life is precious enough to mount a formal protest needs to have his head examined, maybe with a CAT scan. What do these people do, turn themselves in to the police whenever they accidentally step on an ant?

Gimmie a freaking break. They’re bugs. Several hundred die horribly against an oncoming windshield every time a PETA member drives to their annual vegan retreat in Fruitcake, Idaho. I don’t understand how these people’s heads don’t spontaneously explode when they think of all the insects killed every year by everything from farming to natural disasters to Air Force One.

If Obama’s a bad guy for killing a single fly, PETA must have a poster of me on their most wanted board for crimes against – um – buganity. I’ve been waging a war against bugs all my life. I’ve owned my house for 20 years, and in that time I’ve killed more living things than heavy metal and elevator music put together.

There were times in my life when we were so poor that the only entertainment we could afford was to walk around the house with a fly swatter – or, as PETA puts it, weapon of mass debugging – killing anything that got through the window screens. They must compare it to a bored family decided to spend their free time building a torture chamber in the basement.

I killed spiders gladly, with a smile on my face and a song in my heart. Well, after the screaming and jumping around, anyway. And you want to know something? I STILL DO.

That’s right. Call me a killer; put me on your hate list. I won’t change my ways – I’ll stomp, and spray, and slap, and nothing will be safe around me from the smallest mite to the largest tarantula. Actually, the tarantula will probably be safe, unless it gets hit by the dirt I kick up while running away.

This one time, President Obama and I stand together, shoulder to shoulder, and we won’t let PETA bug us.

If he smacks my back, I’ll smack his.
Tags: column, new era, slightly off the mark

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