Mark Hunter (ozma914) wrote,
Mark Hunter

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next week's column: Vote Early, Vote Often, Vote for Me

Thanks for the good wishes, everyone (and for the chicken soup, missmurchison!) I'm feeling better -- not recovered, but better. It seems like I've been sick more often in the last few months than in the last several years, but this one was particularly bad, and please don't ask me for the details because -- ick. But in the long run the only bad thing is that I'm even further behind in all the stuff I'm supposed to be getting done. Beats hospitalization.

Meanwhile, the newspaper waits for no one, and I have a two more weeks to make use of the election year for satirical purposes:


I had intended to make this week’s column about kittens and mice and other cute things (no, seriously!), but there’s been a last minute surge in the polls that indicates I might actually have a shot at that whole Presidential election thing. You see, I was contacted recently by a group called ACORN that informed me I’ve picked up some 1,500 absentee votes here in Albion, alone.

Sure, I was a bit concerned about the fact that Albion’s population is only 1,400, but the ACORN people assured me it’s perfectly legal to count the votes of people in Rose Hill Cemetery, as long as those people weren’t already registered to vote in another dimension.

I’ve been gaining in the polls in Minnesota and Kentucky, three people in Missouri were seen with a “Vote Hunter – Why not?” bumper sticker, and according to Gallop, voters in New Jersey, New Mexico, and Missouri have admitted to actually knowing me. With that kind of surge, why would I give up now?

So I thought the best thing to do would be a comparison. I’ll compare McCain, Obama, and myself, and let the voter decide. Choose wisely … or choose me, whichever.

On experience:

John McCain was earning an honest living as a naval aviator, but became downwardly mobile and spent 26 years in politics, the world’s second oldest profession.

Barack Obama has sullied his hands with politics for only eleven years: seven as an Illinois State Legislator, four as a U.S. Senator. He’s an attorney – the world’s third oldest profession.

Mark Hunter is in his fifth year on the Albion Town Council, having been reelected without opposition despite having begged for someone to run against him. He’s been a volunteer firefighter for 28 years, an emergency dispatcher for 18 years, and lived in the same home for 18 years. The man’s a slug; the polar opposite of change.

Point: Hunter, who didn’t even crack the top ten in oldest professions.

On nationality:

McCain was born in the Panama Canal Zone, leading some to complain that he’s not an official US resident.

Obama has been accused of not presenting the proper documentation to prove he’s an official US resident.

Hunter has withstood seven separate attempts to kick him out of the country.

Point: Hunter, who’s so all-American he bleeds red, white and blue. Well ... red, black and blue. Usually while doing home repair work.

On education:

Obama graduated Juris Doctor magna cum laud from Harvard. Republican strategists have still not figured out what that means.

McCain graduated fifth from the bottom of his Naval Academy class.

Hunter graduated from the school of hard knocks.

Point: Hunter, who managed to squeak through high school despite spending every class writing really terrible fiction in the back row.

Military Service:

McCain crashed five aircraft, got caught in a fire on an aircraft carrier, then got shot down over Vietnam and held as a prisoner for five years.

Obama has heard the term “military”.

Hunter got shot at once while TP’ing a friend’s house.

Point: Hunter. McCain’s been shot at more, but do you want a commander in chief who has such terrible luck?

On the economy:

McCain warned bad things were coming. Has a plan, but doesn’t really know if it will work.

Some of Obama’s top advisers would have known bad things were coming. He has a plan, but doesn’t really know if it will work.

Hunter figures we’ll be in recovery by the time his six figure desk job ends in four years.

Point: Hunter – charity begins at home.

On past associations:

Obama started his political career in the living room of a former terrorist. He heard an estimated 500 sermons in a church run by a racist, rabid anti-American. The ACORN doesn’t fall far from his tree.

McCain spent five years in the company of known Communists.

Hunter surrounds himself with Midwesterners.

Point: Hunter. Hey, they’re American Midwesterners.

On economic policy:

Obama wants to redistribute the wealth.

McCain wants people to have the chance to get wealthy.

Hunter wants to be wealthy.

Point: Hunter. Because the other two already have money.

On illegal immigration:

McCain will consider an amnesty program after the border is secured, with certain limitations; but he adds that illegal immigrants who commit crimes will be deported.

Obama supports driver’s licenses for illegal immigrants and “comprehensive reform”, but says America has nothing to fear from today’s immigrants.

Hunter says, “Dude – it’s illegal.”

Point: Hunter, because he’s the only one pointing out that illegal immigration is – wait for it – illegal.

On gun control:

Obama wants to ban all handgun ownership.

McCain wouldn’t dare try taking away Sarah Palin’s guns.

Hunter thinks guns should only be used to shoot bad guys. Or for target practice for shooting bad guys. Or for deer, because the rural roads are getting just as dangerous as the city streets.

Point: Hunter. You got a problem with that?

On Vice-Presidents:

Obama: His VP puts his foot in his mouth.

McCain: His VP puts a rifle to her shoulder.

Hunter: His VP is Chuck Norris.

Point: Hunter. As VP, Chuck Norris will have two jobs in Washington: to break ties in the Senate and to kick ass. And Chuck Norris doesn’t do ties.

So, in the final analysis, Mark Hunter is the best candidate for President of the three who are polling highest. (I ranked over Ralph Nader in an unofficial poll taken in my living room last week.) I will protect our country, limit government, defend individual freedoms and, in a cost saving move, I will not redecorate the White House. Except for an M&M vending machine in the Oval Office. Most important, no solution to any problem will be off the table.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to prepare next week’s acceptance speech.
Tags: column, new era, politics, slightly off the mark

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