SLIGHTLY OFF THE MARK
Suppose all the nasty rumors about the Presidential and Vice-Presidential candidates were true? Every attack ad, everything bad about anyone on both sides. Join me now at the very first ever combined Presidential/Vice-Presidential debate, hosted by media representative Matthew Olbermann of MSABCNNBS.
MO: Thank you and welcome. As the moderator of this event, I promise to represent the media in a fair and impartial manner. Now I’d like to present, in this corner, Presidential candidate John McCain and Vice-Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin.
PALIN: Wow, this place is so much bigger than any building in Alaska.
McCAIN: Can’t … catch my breath …
MO: And in this corner, ladies and gentlemen, let’s hear it for the next President and Vice-President of the United States, give it up for the one – um, two – and only Barrack Obama and Joe Biden!!! Yay!!!!
OBAMA (walks in on water): This is a podium, right? Could somebody move this American flag out of my view?
BIDEN: Frankly, I think I’m more qualified than other candidates. (Obama glares at him.) Um, to be Vice-President.
MO: All right, we’ll start on that subject. Can you tell me why you think you’re ready to take on this responsibility?
McCAIN: I was a POW, man! Being President is just like that, only you eat better.
OBAMA: Pastor Wright said I’d be perfect for cleaning up this horrible country. I get free room and board, right?
PALIN: I can totally see Moscow from my front porch. We’re in the middle of building a bridge into the Bering Sea, and from where it ends I might be able to see whats-his-name in the Kremlin!
BIDEN: The only guy on the other side who’s qualified is John McCain. Um, not that we’re not qualified. I came to Congress when Nixon was President!
MO: How about your positions on the immoral and illegal war in Iraq?
McCAIN: In Vietnam I got hung upside down and beaten on my heels with a bamboo cane, and made to listen to the Gilligan’s Island theme over and over. Tell me that doesn’t qualify a man to be Commander in Chief!
OBAMA: Now, Iraq is the one in the Middle East, right? And Afghanistan’s in Asia?
PALIN: They just aren’t God fearing folks over there, and they don’t have any big game to speak of. Maybe we should invade Siberia next time.
BIDEN: Well, in 2005 I said I’ve been calling for more troops for over two years, along with John McCain and others subsequent to my saying that. My impression is Obama thinks that if we leave, somehow the Iraqis are going to have an epiphany.
OBAMA: Joe –
BIDEN: We must be clear with the American people that we are committing to Iraq for the long haul; not just the day after, but the decade after.
VOICE FROM OFFSTAGE: Should have picked me, moron!
MO: Who let Hillary in? The viewers will disregard that previous statement. Gentlemen – excuse me, and right wing extremist conservative woman – what about worldwide terrorism?
McCAIN: My chest –
OBAMA: I’d sit down to talk with them, because I don’t really even know their names, you know? Maybe it’s just a big misunderstanding; I never saw any of them in Illinois. Pelosi said I shouldn’t worry my pretty head about it.
PALIN: I don’t understand the problem. We’ve got lots of guns in Alaska.
BIDEN: I don’t recall hearing a word from Barack about a plan or a tactic … um, I mean, somebody get John some water!
HILLARY: Here’s some water … ignore the slight discoloration.
MO: Which of you is better equipped to handle the economy?
McCain: I’d like to just wave my hands and make the economy get better, but I can’t raise my arms because I got beaten when I was a POW.
OBAMA: They didn’t really cover that in Congressman 101. I was scheduled to take Advanced Congressman in my second term, but they fast tracked me.
PALIN: Look, do enough oil drilling and bring God back into the classroom and everything will be fine. You think it’s easy raising eight kids and six undocumented grandkids on $125,000 a year in a place where you have to run the heat twenty-four hours a day, eleven months a year? There’s a reason why my husband has to take those kickbacks! Thank goodness for the caribou meat and canned whale blubber.
BIDEN: When this campaign is over, political slogans like ‘experience’ and ‘change’ will mean absolutely nothing. The next president has to act.
OBAMA: Hey, wait –
McCAIN: Could somebody bring out my oxygen, please? I was a POW.
PALIN: Here’s a picture of me during the swimsuit competition, John, that’ll perk you up. Say, where are you going to keep the nuclear codes?
MO: Nice bikini. Is That an AK-47 in your arms?
PALIN: No, it’s a sniper rifle like the one Hillary’s holding.
HILLARY: I’ll get you, McCain … and your little governor, too!
OBAMA: Holy Allah, shouldn’t somebody do something?
BIDEN: I think Hillary Clinton is able to be elected President of the United States.
MO: Excuse me –
PALIN: Say Joe, maybe you should have voted for a wall around Arkansas, instead of at the Mexican border. Although Hillary carpetbagged to New York, didn’t she?
BIDEN: You can’t go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin’ Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent … I’m not joking.
OBAMA: You’re joking!
BIDEN: But you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that’s a storybook, man.
McCAIN: Hit the dirt! Medic!
PALIN: I’ll handle this.
MO: Oh my gosh, governor Palin had an Uzi stuffed down her bra! I take back what I said about you backstage, honest!
PALIN: Don’t worry, I’ll have Hillary gutted, skinned and made into a rug before you can say “Whitewater”.
MO: Maybe I’ll let Bill O’Reilly handle the next debate …
(Everyone takes cover as gunfire breaks out.)
BIDEN: Let’s just be smart this time … I’m looking for smart.