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August 27th, 2014

Cheap Doctor Who joke

           Matt Smith came to my house to help figure out why my clothes drier isn’t running—he even used his sonic screwdriver on it. He discovered it is indeed getting supplied with power ... but it still doesn’t work. It’s like the Federal government of driers.

           Maybe I should have called Peter Capaldi?

           Okay, not the same Matt Smith. Seriously, it was nice of Matt to confirm the problem wasn’t with the plug, and now I’m going to start my own Kickstarter type program: When I sell $350 worth of books, I buy a new drier. It’ll work until everyone figures out I have to buy a new drier, whether I make any sales or not.

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Lost In The Amazon … Rankings

SLIGHTLY OFF THE MARK


            Like many published authors, I’ve developed a psychological disorder known as OCA: Obsessively Checking Amazon.

            This happens when you get a book listed on Amazon.com, and find yourself waking up in the middle of the night just to check the book’s ranking. When you don’t sell many copies (that would be most writers) your entire day can be made with one sale, or broken by the precipitous ranking drop that comes after that one sale.

            My fourth book came out in May, and my wife had to use a Taser and a crowbar to pry me away from the internet before summer arrived. My rank peaked in mid-May at 68,201, which sounds pretty good until you realize that the previous February, for reasons that remain a mystery, my overall rank hit 9,093.

            Of course, that counts only Amazon sales, as opposed to sales from other sources. I keep a box full of books in the trunk of my car, just in case I stumble across an unwary victim—ahem, reader—with a few bucks for books.

           The other thing is that Amazon rankings aren’t determined by just the number of copies sold. There’s the question of velocity … in theory, if I sold two books in an hour I might get a higher ranking than if I sold one book a week for a month. There are other factors, which are very mystical and may or may not involve a bearded wizard manning a supercomputer.Collapse )

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