Mark Hunter (ozma914) wrote,
Mark Hunter
ozma914

next week's column: Evel Jumps the Pearly Gates

SLIGHTLY OFF THE MARK


When I tell people Evel Knievel died recently, the response is always the same one I had:

“Died? Are you telling me he was still alive?”

Sure he was. Fortune favors the foolish, and angels watch over the insane. Knievel made it to age 69 and, shockingly, died of natural causes.

But I get ahead of myself. It’s possible some of you don’t know who Evel Knievel was, considering he’s been out of public view for awhile, so here’s a brief recap of his career:

Evel Knievel jumped things.

That pretty much covers it. Since 1965, he made his living by hopping on a motorcycle and jumping anything that got into his way. Cars, busses, rattlesnakes, mountain lions. I once tuned into a live broadcast in which he was to jump a tank full of sharks in Chicago. No, not lawyers – real sharks. Unfortunately, the entire show consisted of repeated showings of his practice jump, in which he missed the opposite ramp and landed in the hospital, instead.

Come to think of it, he actually did two things a lot: jump stuff and break things. Those things were usually inside him – forty of his bones, for instance. Knievel once said he’d broken every bone in his body, and some twice, as if he actually needed to exaggerate. Turns out he missed both little toes and his left eardrum. He also broke a lot of motorcycles, of course.

At first he charged $500 to jump over two cars. But we’ve all known people like Knievel: He had to top himself. Also, he had to charge more to pay for replacement motorcycles and ER bills. So he went further and further, culminating on New Year’s Day 1968, when he jumped 151 feet across the fountains at Las Vegas’ Caesar’s Palace. He made the jump – but missed the landing.

His fame increased with his scars, and he began planning an attempt to jump the Grand Canyon. Sadly, officials refused after Knievel demanded that, if he failed, his family get all proceeds from any tourism involving an Evel shaped crater in the canyon wall.

So instead, he took $6 million to jump the Snake River Canyon in Idaho, using a rocket-powered motorcycle that was almost certainly not street legal. The jump went just fine, and his parachute deployed just fine too. Unfortunately, the parachute deployed before it was supposed to, and that’s the last time he tried to jump a snake. To get over it, he jumped 14 greyhound buses at Ohio’s Kings Island, without a parachute.

It was in 1976 that he celebrated the Bicentennial by making the infamous shark jump in Chicago, which brought him a concussion and two broken arms. This inspired the equally infamous 1977 episode of the TV show Happy Days, in which the character of Fonzie literally jumped sharks on water skies. Since that time, any over-the-top moment in which a TV show seems to go too far in its attempt to keep an audience has been called “jumping the shark”.

The irony of that is that Knievel later appeared in the TV series Bionic Woman, in which he no doubt drove a motorcycle and most likely jumped something. I don’t recall the episode, but my guess is that Jamie Sommers jumped Evel. Get your mind out of the gutter, I mean literally jumped – she was bionic, after all. So Bionic Woman’s jumping the shark moment may have been with the original shark jumper.

Knievel also starred as himself in a movie, while George Hamilton and Sam Elliott played him in other shows – three movies about the guy. He was the subject of several toys, all of which involved, let’s face it, motorcycles and jumping things. I always thought his action figure should have been packaged with Johnny and Roy, the paramedic action figures from the TV show Emergency!

Yep, Evel Knievel jumped things.

His real name was Robert, by the way. Bob Knievel just didn’t have the same punch. Bob was in the Army, worked as a hunting guide, sold insurance (insert joke here) and even owned, managed, coached and played for a semi-pro hockey team. Of his early careers, the closest to his heart had to have been his time at a Honda motorcycle dealership.

But Robert Knievel wasn’t meant for having his feet on the ground. He jumped things, and he inspired others to jump things. Have you ever heard the argument that the entertainment industry is to blame when people copy what they see on the screen? While I disagree – it’s the parents’ responsibility to teach right from wrong –my experience is that Knievel inspired a lot of people.

Luckily for me, we mostly only had bicycles to jump stuff with. I shudder to think what kind of damage I’d have caused with access to a motorcycle. Lost a great Schwinn single speed that way, though, and I don’t even want to think about what happened to that five speed with the banana seat. Also, my first Timex watch took a licking and did not keep on ticking. We (the others have requested anonymity) were only jumping ditches, so imagine what would have happened if we’d gotten ahold of two ramps and a school bus. Okay, we tried it once, which explains the anonymity.

I don’t know. I guess you couldn’t call him a hero. Brave, yes, and he made his living honestly. He only did one thing, but he did it with style. He didn’t blame other people for his woes, he didn’t sue the ramp makers, and he got right back on that bike (ahem – or its replacement) and went back to work. Hm. Maybe he is a hero.

Now, did Evel Knievel go to Heaven? Of course he did! He spent half his time up there already – he was on a first name basis with the angels.


Tags: column, new era, slightly off the mark
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