Mark Hunter (ozma914) wrote,
Mark Hunter

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next week's column: The Truth About Men


Like many men I, of course, read Redbook magazine.

Oh, okay, so I don’t. But I’ve heard of it. Recently I heard of an article, written for that magazine by Ty Wenger, about something he says every woman wants to know: “What secrets is her husband keeping from her?”

The secret of proper grammar, was my first thought. “Secrets is”? But that’s cheap, and I don’t even know if Ty Wenger is a woman or a man. Besides, if anyone holds the secret of proper grammar, it’s not the guys.

So I read “the 11 secrets most men keep, including your husband”. This despite the fact that I have no husband. While I don’t agree with all these 11 points, enough are true that women might finally start to figure men out, which would spell the end of the human race.

You see, women are complicated; men are simple. Only two things keep women around men: one is the fact that most women want to have children. Despite modern technology, that’s still very difficult to do without men. Once women have the asexual reproduction thing figured out, we’ll know who’s really in charge.

The other is that, subconsciously, women think there’s something real and concrete behind that vacant male stare: that deep inside men have layers; that they’re capable of serious conversation; that they’re intellectual and understanding.
All untrue.

Simple or not, men do eventually learn to keep secrets. Call them white lies, the things we don’t say to keep peace between us and our womenfolk. Wenger lists 11 truths about men:

1. Yes, he falls in lust 10 times a day – but it doesn’t mean he want to leave you.

Absolutely true. Men think with two parts of their body, but one does most of the thinking; the other is their brain. However, men are capable of falling in love, and loving deeply. Men can see the bikini lady on the beach, lust after her, and fantasize that she doesn’t notice his pot belly, receding hairline and farmer’s tan, all while still being madly in love with his significant other. Men like to look; that doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll stray.

2. He actually does play golf to get away from you.

Substitute golf for any number of other pursuits. Men and women are both social creatures, but of different natures. Women tend to nest, either with their friends or their significant others; men tend to gather in groups and go on what they think of as adventures, often involving some object that’s hit or thrown, and beer. Why do they want to get away from women? Because in general women disapprove of sexist jokes, laughing over bodily functions, and spending large amounts of money on pursuits that produce nothing but blisters. Every now and then men need to escape from that feeling that they have to censor themselves constantly.

3. He is unnerved by the notion of commitment, even after he has made one to you.

Boy, ain’t that the truth.

4. Earning money makes him feel important.

I’m not so sure about this one. Frankly, earning money makes me feel like paying my bills. The people I pay my bills to don’t think I’m important until I stop paying them. I’d be more than happy to have a woman making loads more money than I am. Maybe she’d let me quit my job and write novels full time, a move that’s sure to leave her the main bread winner for years to come.

5. Though he often protests, he actually enjoys fixing things around the house.

Oh, I don’t think so. Granted that I’m in the minority here, but I enjoy home repair work like I’d enjoy a hole in my head, and believe me, the two often go together. Maybe I’d like fixing things more if I ever succeeded at it.

6. He likes it when you mother him, but he’s terrified that you’ll become your mother.

I don’t know about that. What’s your mother like? Is she rich? Does she like to fix things around the house?

7. Every year he loves you more.

This is true. Remember two things about men: one, they tend to take things for granted; two, they tend to be very simple and straight forward. If they start to love you less they’ll just take off, probably to get shot down by that bikini lady on the beach. If they seem to not care but stick around, it likely means they still love you, but simply forget to say it. Or, you’re really good at fixing things around the house.

8. He really doesn’t understand what you’re talking about when you discuss “issues” in your relationship. It makes no sense at all to him – even though he will nod in agreement and apparent understanding.

Truer words were never spoken. (Remember, ladies, I did not speak those words.) Remember #7. If you complain about problems in your relationship, his probably response will be “I’m still here, aren’t I?” Although possibly his grammar will be worse. To him, it’s just that simple; but as time goes on and he gains experience, instead of saying anything at all he’ll simply nod and agree. While thinking “I’m still here, aren’t I?”

9. He is terrified when you drive.

True, that. He’s terrified when anyone drives, because it’s a total loss of control. Also, he’s aware that the average woman is a more careful driver than the average man, and he’s afraid you’ll be rear-ended by a guy.

10. He’ll always wish he was 25 again.

Yeah. *sigh*

11. Give him an inch and he’ll give you a lifetime. Translation: Let him be a dumb guy and play poker with his buddies or go on vacation alone, and he’ll love you forever for that.

Absolutely true. A man is like a dog: put a bowl of food in front of him and a place to go to the bathroom, scratch him behind the ear every once in awhile, and he’s yours.

Oh, and let us fetch a ball, every now and then.
Tags: new era, slightly off the mark, weekly column

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