No need to read this if you're easily offended, or want to argue politics.
Let's talk assassination attempts. But let's make it fun.
Assassinations aren't funny, of course. But neither is is getting injured by a mechanical device, and I've built several humor blogs out of that subject. Thankfully it's been 63 years since the last successful attempt to kill an American president, but that's not from lack of trying.
I just realized, I'm 63 ... but my mother had an alibi.
Were people actually trying to kill President Trump? Yes. Look, for a decade people have been actively, publicly, and specifically wishing for Trump's death, so it's no surprise someone swaying over the edge of sanity would actually try. Besides, if the most recent attempt was faked, the guy would have been conveniently offed by the Secret Service.
| One factor in choosing weapons is ease of concealment. |
Abraham Lincoln is practically a saint now, but when he was president a whole section of the country hated him. By the way, about a month before his assassination Lincoln became the target of a kidnapping plot, which I read about while researching for our Hoosier Hysterical sequel.
The bad guys planned to kidnap Lincoln on his way to a play (!), and hold him hostage in exchange for the release of every single Confederate prisoner of war. Apparently they thought the POWs would immediately take up arms again, but I think most would have headed home.
The leader of the plot, an actor named John Wilkes Booth, was no doubt enraged when Lincoln chose to skip the theater, and instead rode to the National Hotel in Washington. There Lincoln presented a Civil War battle flag to Indiana Governor Oliver P. Morton.
So ... Indiana saved Lincoln's life, at least for a few weeks.
Oh, I almost forgot: The night before he shot Lincoln, Booth stayed in--the National Hotel.
| It turns out there are worse ideas than political violence. |
The next President to be assassinated was James Garfield, by an office seeker who thought he didn't get enough credit for getting Garfield elected. What most people don't know is that there was a previous attempt on Garfield's life, in which a rabies-infected tabby cat was thrown at him in Indiana. Luckily, the cat was distracted by a lasagna shop.
Then there was William McKinley, who was shot by an anarchist promoting, I assume, anarchy. Instead of anarchy we got Theodore Roosevelt.
John F. Kennedy was the last assassinated president, dying in 1963, and I once more want to point out my mother and I both had alibis.
In 1981 Ronald Reagan did get shot, but survived, although he complained to his wife that he forgot to duck. Reagan lost half his blood volume, which may be why he scribbled a note to a nurse in which he quoted W.C. Fields: "All in all, I'd rather be in Philadelphia".
And where did that shooting take place? The Washington Hilton, scene of the latest incident involving Trump. They're going to get a reputation.
Thankfully, many attempts failed:
When a man tried to shoot Andrew Jackson, both of his pistols misfired. (Although they later worked fine, so--angels?) Jackson then beat the man down with his cane.
In 1909 President Taft headed for a summit in Mexico, where he was guarded by the Texas Rangers, the Secret Service, FBI, U.S. Marshals, 4,000 soldiers, and a 250-member private security team.
Shockingly, nobody got a shot off at Taft. Still, a Texas Ranger discovered an armed man waiting along the procession route.
In 1974 a man tried to kill President Nixon by flying a hijacked jet airliner into the White House. He killed two people, but was shot before he got off the ground: He'd forgotten to remove the plane's wheel blocks.
Later that same year, a man known as the Alphabet Bomber sent a message saying he was going to kill newly minted President Gerald R. Ford. Sending the message was his mistake.
Notice they've all been men? Well, the 70s was a time of women's liberation, so in the cause of equal rights two women tried to shoot Ford, 17 days apart, in California. Both were stymied by the fact that they hadn't familiarized themselves with their handguns. Insert your own misogynistic joke here.
The truth is, just about every American president has been the target of assassins, especially in recent decades. Left wing, right wing, cuckoo wingnut wing, they all have one thing in common: Hatred. To be honest, I find hatred to be exhausting.
| "You there: That doesn't look like a campaign contribution." |
But let's go back to Theodore Roosevelt, who was shot because of a different president's assassination.
As he prepared to give a speech in 1912, Roosevelt, famously long-winded, folded up his 50 page speech and stuck it in his coat pocket, along with his eyeglass case. Then he was shot by a man who was instructed to do so by William McKinley, who had also been shot--12 years before--and was, well, dead.
The bullet was slowed by the case and the speech, and lodged in Roosevelt's chest muscles. Roosevelt, with blood seeping through his shirt, then delivered a 90 minute speech before going to the hospital.
You can't kill that kind of toughness.
You can find a lot of serious stuff treated with humor in our books:
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Remember: You’re better off just reading about assassinations.
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